No Matter How Right You May Be, Insisting That Your Spouse Change Keeps You Stuck

Trying to Change A Resistant or Reluctant Partner is a Waste of Time and Causes Even More Conflict

People who want to go to marriage counseling with their partner often feel stuck if their partner refuses to attend counseling. Often spouses do not wish to go to counseling. The top reasons for this are: 1) Fear that the counselor will side with their spouse against them; 2) Refusal to admit that there are any relationship problems (denial); and 3) Refusal to do anything to work on the marriage because they see the problems as entirely their spouse’s fault (projection of blame).

The good news for relationship coaching is that it is completely unnecessary for both partners to receive coaching. The goals of relationship coaching are to learn how to stop harmful behaviors (behaviors which detract from or are counter to your goals), to learn skills that will help you to achieve your goals (such as an improved relationship), and to use the new skills until your goals have been reached and the relationship has stabilized.

In Family Counseling and in Relationship Coaching, The Healthiest Person Always Has the Most Power to Improve the Relationships

“I cannot work on my relationship because my spouse won’t go to therapy,” is not a valid excuse. The most effective way to improve a relationship is to work on your own behavior and not that of your spouse. This is true regardless of the type of behavior that your spouse has. Let me illustrate with two examples.

Examples of How You Can Improve Your Relationship With Relationship Coaching and Without Your Spouse or Partner

Example one: You have difficulty expressing your emotions appropriately and are driving your spouse or partner further and further from you. In relationship coaching you focus on learning to identify your emotions and to express them in ways that build the relationship. Your relationship improves even though your partner has not attended coaching. However, your spouse or partner as a result of your changes is more positive toward you. You both feel closer to each other as a result. There are more than 36 skills you can learn to improve your relationship.

Example two: Your spouse's harmful behaviors such as lying, cheating, jealousy, verbal or physical abuse, addictions, and/or neglect are taking a toll on your relationship. You have tried to change your partner through nagging, complaining, and begging and finally realize that doesn't help. You feel powerless and stuck. You get relationship coaching for yourself and learn: 1) how to stop the continuing pattern that you are acting out with your spouse; and 2) you learn to take control of your life rather than waiting for your spouse to fix your life for you. At first your partner is upset with you, but begins to respect you and to feel more attracted to you. Your relationship improves.

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