What to do when your partner refuses to go to counseling
You can handle this situation effectively when you think of your partner's involvement in coaching as a second or third step--not the first
Your partner is resisting counseling, he or she is not resisting a better relationship.
People who want to go to marriage counseling with their partner often feel stuck if their partner refuses to attend counseling. Often spouses or partners do not wish to go to counseling. The top reasons for this are: 1) Fear that the counselor will side with their spouse against them; 2) Refusal to admit that there are any relationship problems (denial); and 3) Refusal to do anything to work on the marriage because they see the problems as entirely their spouse’s fault (projection of blame).
Sometimes, it's easier to work on helping your partner to change than it is to wait for your partner to do it.
Relationship coaching helps people to reach their relationship goals and helps people to deal with difficult behaviors their partners have. I routinely help men and women who have very difficult partners to make the changes that change their partner. And, they do it without threats or arguing. What you say and how you respond to your partner largely determine what your partner does the next time, and the time after that. Some people become highly effective at getting the respect they need, and the love they want.
In Family Counseling and in Relationship Coaching, The Healthiest Person Always Has the Most Power to Improve the Relationships
“I cannot work on my relationship because my spouse won’t go to therapy,” is a misguided idea. The most effective way to improve a relationship is to work on the way you interact with your spouse. This is true regardless of the type of behavior that your spouse has. Let me illustrate with two examples.
Examples of How You Can Change Your Partner's Behavior by Changing the Way You Interact with Your Partner
Example one: You have tried many times to express your emotions to your partner but it always ends up in conflict. As a result, you have given up on sharing your feelings and your relationship has become more distant. In coaching you learn to identify your emotions and to manage your partner's reactions to them. As a result, you can express you feelings without it leading to conflict. Your relationship improves even though your partner has not attended coaching.
Example two: Your spouse's harmful behaviors such as lying, cheating, jealousy, verbal or physical abuse, addictions, and/or neglect are taking a toll on your relationship. You have tried to change your partner through nagging, complaining, and begging and finally realize that doesn't help. You feel powerless and stuck. You get relationship coaching for yourself and learn: 1) how to stop replaying the family drama with your spouse; 2) you learn to set limits on what you will accept (without fighting or argument), and 3) you improve your life while inviting your partner to participate with you. At first your partner is upset with you, but begins to respect you and then to feel more attracted to you. Your relationship improves.
If we want our partners to love us, we must earn their respect as well as their trust.