Step Three: Take the lead

After identifying the kind of trap you are in (step 1), and detoxifying your relationship (step 2), you can help your partner to take small steps with you to rebuild your relationship (step 3).

Many of the marines I worked with suffered from the trauma of their experiences in Iraq at the same time they were trying to hold their relationships together. They needed help with their nightmares and daydreams and their partners needed to know how to deal with their over controlled and withdrawn (and sometimes under controlled) partners. There was a lot of stress put on their relationships. it's not that the marines wanted to be that way. They just didn't know how to stop being that way.

It's the rare person who really wants to drive his or her partner away.

Sometimes people forget that their partner wants to have a good relationship as much as they do. But, their partner may be less emotionally ready, less capable, or have never experienced a really healthy relationship before. If your partner is like that, then it's up to you to be the one to start the healthy changes. Otherwise, nothing will change at all.

Your partner does not need to agree or be cooperative when you start making changes. Your partner is already doing what comes naturally and is the most comfortable for him or her. Although in the long run it hurts your partner and your relationship, in the short run it provides your partner some benefit. We will take that benefit away by changing the way you respond. We will plan specifically what to say and do, and help you to take little steps to do it. As your partner begins to experience the longer term benefits of your changes, it will become easier and easier for him or her to give up the old ways and to work more cooperatively with you.

Relationship coaching will help you to stay focused and avoid harmful overreactions. Too often, people take action only when something particularly upsetting happens and then stop as soon as things calm down. This creates an unfocused, emotional roller coaster that only strengthens the existing pattern. Also, drastic actions are dangerous because they risk further damaging your relationship.

With professional help, you have time to make adjustments and work only in small steps. These are less stressful on you and on your partner. Coaching for example, emphasizes a gradual, low conflict, skill-building approach. Counseling emphasizes support and healthy emotional functioning.

If you are ready for your relationship to change, your first decision is deciding between counseling and coaching. Many counselors have merely relabeled their services as "coaching." But there are real differences with excellent counselors and relationship coaches on both sides. The next page will help you clearly understand the differences so that you can make a good decision.

Next: Does your relationship qualify best for relationship coaching or for counseling?

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