Advice and Answers for Married Women Who Want to Have Better Relationships

The first thing you can do is work on removing the mistaken belief that it takes two to improve a relationship. Having that idea will prevent you from taking action. The reason that your relationship with your husband stays the same is because both of you continue to behave in the same way. It's kind of like a dance. You have your typical reaction to his behavior and he has his typical reaction to your behavior. The longer you have been married, the more practiced become the steps and they feel so natural that you forget that you have other choices. As soon as one of you changes his or her behavior, it changes the whole dance. Some changes will make the relationship worse, while other changes will make the relationship better.

In a marriage relationship, what is good for one of the partners is good for them both, and vice versa. But that doesn't mean that both partners will like the improvement. What this means is that you cannot decide whether or not a behavior change on your part is good by asking your husband or by watching his reaction to the change. Say, for example, that you have no friends other than your husband. If you do something good for yourself such as make a new friend, your husband may become upset. This may make you want to give up your new friendship. If you give up your friendship, however, you will be even less content with your relationship with your husband and the distance between you will grow larger. You then feel like you are in between a rock and a hard place. Unless you already have serious problems in your relationship, your husband will adjust to your having a friend within a few months. You will be a happier person and your relationship with your husband will become better. The key to deciding whether a change is likely to be good or not is to look at the anticipated long term consequences of making the change verses not making the change. In this case, comparing the long term effect of not having any friends verses the long term effect of having a friend. Most women can anticipate that although their husband may be upset at first, the long term consequence of not having any friends would be worse.

That is true.  Just as you have the freedom to leave him if you want to, he also has the same freedom.  But, isn't it also true that your husband may leave you if you don't try to improve your life?  What will be the long term result on your marriage of your continuing to be unhappy, dissatisfied, or miserable?  Husbands, children, parents, and others will undoubtedly have some growing pains when you are the one growing.  They are used to the way that you have been and have adjusted their lives accordingly.  The new you is an unknown quantity as far as they are concerned.  The one thing that humans fear more than what we know to be bad is the unknown.  For that reason, others would rather that you remain exactly how you are rather than take a chance on getting something which is worse for them.  Unless you are lucky enough to have very supportive family members, they will exert pressure on you designed to make you give up your new ideas.  If you expect that reaction, and are willing to let them go through their growing pains (i.e., you don't need to put a counter pressure on them to be perfectly alright with you), and have good support (professional and personal), you can make positive transitions that will benefit your family as well as yourself.

If you are saying this, then you already do know.  What you may not know is that your loving your husband has more to do with your choices than with his.  The way that we feel about a person is commensurate with the way that we think about them and behave toward them.  If you saw the movie "Castaway" with Tom Hanks, you saw a fictionalized portrayal of how a man came to love and care for a soccer ball he named "Wilson."  To truly love your husband means to do what is truly in his best interest, even if he doesn't want it to be done.  Most parents know that it is more loving to make their children go to school even if they don't want to, to refuse to give them candy instead of dinner, and to take them to the hospital for injections although they scream like crazy.  But, many people (men and women alike) don't realize that love is love no matter to whom it is directed.  Be respectful to your husband by not helping him to harm himself, you, or the relationship (e.g.., don't buy alcohol for an alcoholic, walk away when you are being disrespected), consistently provide for his needs, and create a balance life for yourself.  Do not tell your husband what to do, and don't allow him to stop you from doing what is healthy for you.  If you cannot do these things, then your relationship has serious problems and you are in need of counseling.

Here is some good news for you--you don't need to compete for your husband's attention. I let you off the hook and I free you to create a life that you really value. In the process, you will become a much more attractive person to yourself and to others and most likely to your husband. Then, if he chooses to ignore the diamond (you) for his lumps of coal (football, friends, etc.) he will be the fool and not you. Remember, he can reject you either way, but he has more to lose if you have your life in balance. You also need to remember to give him some time to catch up to your changes. You will finish adjusting before he has.

Excellent. You are both motivated toward the same goal (improving your relationship). Two working together can support each other and share the excitement of growth and change. People are stuck only as long as they continue to do the same behavior while expecting different results. As coaches teach their clients, positive change (success) comes when we combine learning with action. There are many things that you can do to become unstuck such as attending a marriage retreat, getting counseling, working through self-help books, etc. The most exciting challenge of all may be for you and your husband to both work with a relationship coach. Many coaches seem to focus on marital problems and their job seems to be blurred with that of a counselor. Other coaches, such as myself, help people to attain excellence in their relationship by exploring their passions and goals, working step by step toward those goals, and not settling for the average.

It depends on your husband, but usually the old one-two method is best.  One is the unhappy truth; two is the happy truth.  For example, "Rumpelstiltskin (or whatever your husband's name is), I'm not satisfied with our relationship (One).  But, I want to work on it and make it better. (Two)"  You may find that your husband is also not satisfied with your relationship and also wants to work on making a better relationship.  Or you may find your husband insistent that the relationship is just fine.  Do not try to argue or use logic with him.  Just agree that you will work on yourself so that you can be more happy.  Trying to force him to work with you is not a good idea.  If your husband agrees that the relationship is not so good, share with him your ideas for how to work on things (e.g.., counseling or coaching depending on the severity of the problems in the relationship).  Men will usually reject their wife's idea.  That is to be expected.  Simply ask your husband what his idea is for how to improve the relationship.  If it is not too outlandish, agree that you will try it seriously for one month, but only if he agrees that if his idea doesn't work that he will try yours.  Men are much more likely to agree to this and are also much more likely to seriously try your idea if their's doesn't work.  You are in no way lying or manipulating your husband (those things cause harm and are counterproductive), but rather you are being sensitive to gender differences.  No matter what your husband says or does, you are not stuck because you can always work on improving your life.