Advice and Answers for Married Men Who Want to Have Better Relationships

You are right to be concerned about the way to say things to your wife. Although men tend to be very practical and want to just lay the facts on the table, that approach most often does not work. The reason it doesn't work is that although you are presenting fact and not emotions, they are connected to an emotional experience that your wife has had. Take for example, the word "baseball". By itself, it is just a word representing a small globe shaped object that is thrown in a game. It is indeed just a fact or a thing. But, when you say baseball to different people, it will pull from then an emotional reaction based on their experiences with baseball. For some, "baseball" will be attached to images of playing with brothers and sisters as kids, or throwing the ball around with dad. For others, it will remind them of how they were never chosen for the baseball team or didn't have a dad to throw a ball with them. It is just a little, innocent word, but it creates different emotions in someone from the very mention of the word. Asking someone not to have an emotional experience when we say something is like asking them not to have a memory. And that is just not possible.

With this kind of emotional loading to what we say, how can we ever say something that won't be taken the wrong way or cause upset with our partner? The best way to say things to your partner is to use words which are usually positively emotionally loaded (connected to positive memories). The words "romance," "fun," and "excitement," for example, are words which are usually not connected to bad memories, whereas "dissatisfied," "tired," and "unhappy," generally are connected to a pit of bad memories. Consider these two statements: 1) "Honey, our relationship seems to be getting dull and I think we are both dissatisfied with the way things are going. If we continue like this I know we will both be unhappy." ; and 2) "Honey, I want to work with you to make our relationship more romantic, fun, and exciting. I want it to be a relationship that all our friends will envy." In essence, both statements carry the same information. However, because of their emotional loadings, the second statement will be far more energizing and motivating than the first.

The general rules are: 1) say what you want and not what you don't want; and 2) give an example of how it will be good for your wife as well as you. If you are the one to connect the dots, then you can be more sure of what picture is drawn in her mind.

Of course you are. What stops most people from making good changes are expectations of bad results. That possibility is scary. No one wants to make something worse. If your relationship is very good, you risk messing it up. But, if your relationship has severe problems, it's more scary to do nothing.

Changes become even less scary when they are small, when we have guidance, and when we see them as experiments. We can try out new ways. We can keep the changes we like or we can go back. This is as true for a young man learning to date as it is for a man who has been married many years. Not everything we try will work. But some will. Those are the ones that make all the difference.

Most people don't. Except for very basic instinctual activities like eating and breathing air, everything you do had to be learned at some point. At some point in your life (likely long ago) you didn't not know how to put on and button up a shirt, tie your shoes, or write your name. Someone who did know how worked with you step by step to teach you these things. The reluctance that some men have about learning to have a great relationship is astounding considering that they learned to do almost every other important aspect of their daily life.

Relationship coaches are not any kind of geniuses, but they are very familiar with what is needed to help you make the relationship of your dreams. Although you will be the one doing the work, it will be step by step just like tying your shoes was. The first step will be completing an assessment about how your current relationship is. You already know how it is, but the coach will help you to break it down into manageable parts. You will then be able to see where the weak and strong parts are in your relationship are as well as where would be a good place to begin. You will always be the one in charge, deciding what you want to do, what you will do, and when you will do it. Your coach will support you, guide you, and cheer for you but will never impose his agenda on you. Just as you would build a business and make it your own and in your own way, so you can also do with your relationship. And just as business owners use executive coaches, you too, can benefit from a relationship coach.

Many men are surprised to find that even though they may have married the most beautiful of women, that other women begin to look more attractive than their wife after a while. Other men have been equally surprised that their wife is looking more and more attractive each day and that gray hair and wrinkles become endearing. Much of our attraction has to do with how we characterize the object of our attraction. Scientists have found that that if men and women are shown pictures of someone and given different information about the person, that their attraction toward that person will also vary. Further, when asked to guess what people are like based solely on their pictures, attractive people were thought to have more positive qualities than unattractive people. The key point is, that attraction (and repulsion) has to do with what is going on in our head about how a person is and is not due to the physical characteristics of the object of our attraction. For this reason, fat women are seen as more attractive in some cultures while thin women are found to be attractive in others. In some cultures a woman would not consider you to be attractive if you didn't have lips that were stretched out with large discs, etc.

We become more attractive to others when they regard us positively. Others become more attractive to us when we regard them positively. If you want to become really attractive to a woman, really work on your relationship with her. If you want to find her really attractive, then really work on your relationship with her. (And under no circumstances tell your wife that you are not attracted to her).