Needy People with Non-Needy Partners

What is Neediness?

“Needy” people are what would be described in psychology jargon as having an "anxious attachment." They put up with behavior from their partners that most people would not tolerate. They frequently seek reassurance that their partner still cares about the relationship, and are vigilant to any sign that the relationship is in danger. They are quick to feel jealous, but are hesitant to say anything about it.

Needy people may phone or text their partner many times, particularly if they don’t receive a quick response. They worry both about the messages they give and the messages they receive—analyzing them for any signs that something is wrong. Their own behavior takes the joy out of the relationship for both them and their partners.

Communication in Normal Relationships

Communication is more than giving information. In a relationship—every relationship—it is a means to become closer, more distant, or to maintain the same level of relationship that we already have. Couples that have not been together very long typically have relationships that are more volatile. There’s breaking up and making up, shouting and silence, blinding passion and moments of cold hatred.

Why are relationships like that? Doesn’t everyone want to have as close of a relationship as they can, all the time? This comes as quite a surprise to needy people, but the answer is no Most of the time, people don’t want to be as close as possible.. People actually want to be as close as possible only sometimes, while at others they would rather be with friends, or by themselves.

So, what happens in new relationships is a lot of pushing and pulling, trying to create optimal distance and closeness. The end result of all that pushing and pulling usually is a compromise where there is some closeness, some independence, and most of the rest somewhere in-between.

For couples who are nearly matched in the amount of closeness and distance they need, the compromise is small, and they gradually grow to enjoy the same amount of togetherness and independence and their relationship becomes quite stable. They either do a lot of things together, or a lot of things separately, but both people are quite satisfied. In your daily experience you can easily find both types of couples. There is no right or wrong about either way.

The Development of Neediness in Relationships

For some couples, though, one partner wants to have much more closeness than the other. Compromise is harder with such large differences. When it does happen, each person has to give up more of either independence or closeness. A tension hangs over the relationship because neither partner is really satisfied. Conflicts are likely to start up again.

In other cases, rather than compromise, one partner gives in to the desires of the other. They "temporarily" (they think) sacrifice their need for a close relationship in order just to maintain the relationship.

The person who sacrifices closeness for the relationship “needs” the relationship so much that he or she can only relax about it when receiving direct, focused attention. For such a person, the relationship is an emotional roller coaster, alternating between blissful intimacy (such as in sexual encounters) and anxious concern. The roller coaster becomes even more extreme if his or her partner shows signs of becoming unhappy.

Table Illustrating Relationships with One Needy Partner

Core Beliefs (Unconscious)

Relationship Goals

Example Behaviors

Partners reaction

Result for the Relationship

I am vulnerable and helpless.

I cannot survive on my own.

I feel important only when I am being thought about or taken care of.

Everything my partner does is related to me somehow.

Be taken care.

Get reassurance (loved, the relationship is continuing)

Maintain the relationship at all costs.

Backs down or shuts down quickly even with small conflicts.

Not assertive.

Poor boundaries.

Feels like he/she gives much but receives little.

Becomes desperate if there is any sign the relationship may end.

Feels annoyed, resentful, guarded, and like his or her every word and action is being watched.

Becomes more secretive to try to have more freedom without upsetting his or her partner.

Does not feel accepted.

The relationship becomes more distant.

Neither partner feels free to share their thoughts and feelings.

The relationship ends or becomes like parent and child .

Three Possible Resolutions

The most common resolution is for the non-needy partner to break up the relationship, in search of a more secure and accepting partner, or simply to feel free. The rejected needy person can become like a "fatal attraction," with desperate and damaging behavior.

A different kind of resolution occurs when one partner has a strong need to be parental, and to take care of the needy partner. This kind of relationship can be very stable and long lasting. Both partners can feel secure and important. One is needy and receives care; the other is needed and gives care. Close, two way sharing cannot occur, however.

A less likely, but possible resolution for a needy and distant relationship is for the needy person to become less needy. This has multiple challenges, though when it can be achieved, the needy person becomes emotionally stable, secure, and able to tolerate not being at the center of his or her partner’s life.

In less severe cases, a needy person can change his or her way of interacting in the relationship, especially by increasing assertiveness. Dependent behavior needs to decrease and self-care needs to replace the need to be cared for. It is a transition that most people make in their teens, but that needy people have yet to complete. When they can, open sharing and closeness with their partner becomes possible..

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