Getting your spouse or partner on your side
Your partner doesn't like the way your relationship is, but does not want to work with you. What is going on? What can you do? How can you encourage working together?
Why you and your partner may be having a hard time working together
Most couples have difficulty solving their relationship problems because they are not on common ground. They fight about differences, trying to persuade each other that they are right and their partner is wrong. When this goes on long enough, the fights stop because they are frustrating and don't do any good. The relationship stalls and each person becomes resistant to working with his or her partner. Eventually love dies and so does interest in the relationship. The sooner you can intervene in this progression--from fighting about differences to the relationship dying--the better.
As a relationship coach and intervention specialist, my priority is to:
- Help couples establish common ground
- Help couples to effectively deal with their own and their partner's insecurity
- Help couples to create boundaries that build trust and promote the relationship
Couples have trouble overcoming problems on their own when they don't first put in place these three steps. When couples put these steps into place, one at a time, until trust is re-established, they can feel at ease, enjoy each other and build their relationship more and more.
Establish Common Ground
Temporarily set differences aside
Do you know any way for people to work together if their goals and interests are different? The result from such a situation is conflict or avoidance as each tries to get what he or she wants. The way to begin to change such a loveless communication pattern is to find something that you and your partner both want. Usually, that is to have a better relationship. Your ideas about how to have a better relationship may be different, but that's ok. Using a structured tool, such as a relationship assessment (included in the coaching packages), can help couples to identify and talk about common ground, even if they have never done so before.
Begin to communicate about similarities
Emphasizing similarities, rather than differences, can restart positive communication. Most people need help learning how to build on similarities rather than get pulled into arguing about differences. Coaching sessions that focus on positive and productive communication creates increased energy and motivation for talking and working together.
Deal with habits and insecurities
Most of what we do is habit
Insecurity refers to the negative images that we get when we think about change. Although what we want is good, our partner often imagines a bad consequence if he or she were to go along with us. The worse the outcome that he or she imagines, the more insecure he or she is. His or her habits are also designed to prevent change from happening. Habits bring predictable results, which help him or her to feel secure. It is an incredible fact that people maintain habits that bring destructive results rather than take a chance on a change that may bring a good result. Although we hope things will be better, we can still imagine possible bad outcomes, and we can also imagine how difficult it would be to change.. Because change is difficult, it reinforces our insecurities and makes us feel like giving up before we make significant progress. Understanding this reality is helpful for making changes.
Insecurity is a built-in kind of self-protection
Helping your partner to change means maintaining positive changes long enough for him/her to develop new habits and to feel comfortable with them. Insecurities fade away when people get successful results. People learn in relationship coaching how to make the changes in what they say and do to create such changes in their partner. Clients must prepare for and effectively deal with resistance until change is established. After that, it is easy to maintain. Although this method may sound difficult, it is far easier than trying to convince your partner to change. Also, changes often happen in as little as two weeks using this method.
Having good boundaries will help both of you to get closer
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a change you make in yourself. It is not something you impose on a partner. For example, refusing to stay in the room when your partner is shouting or using bad language is a boundary. Refusing to argue is a boundary. Requiring trust be earned before you will give it is a boundary. The correct use of boundaries will improve the behavior of your partner--making it easier for the two of you to become closer. People need to learn how to create boundaries that promote their relationships before they will be able to make them on their own.
Boundaries in relationships with serious problems
Boundaries do not bring an initial positive response from a partner. It is natural and inevitable that they will resist. When you have good boundaries, the presence of such resistance lets you know that your boundary is becoming effective. People who are very needy often give in when they experience resistance, which results in problems worsening. Relationship coaches help clients to successfully manage resistance so that there is real improvement.