Our Natural Response . . .

We tend to want to:

• run away from or fight our angry partners (or both);.
• protect or reason with our fearful partners; or
• comfort our sad and withdrawn partners. 

These are the natural responses our partner's behavior influences us to do. Unfortunately these temporary solutions don't change long term problems. So, then we either

• blame our partners for their problems, or
• blame ourselves for choosing such partners,
• or both.

Then we realize how useless these things are, so we end up

• just feeling hopeless.

None of these responses to our partners are helpful.

An Effective Response . . .

We need to

• not from or fight our angry partners,
• not protect and reason with our fearful partners, and
• not comfort our sad and withdrawn partners.

This will create some discomfort for your partner, but won't harm your partner or the relationship.

Then we can

• respond to the underlying emotions that are driving the behavior,
• give choices that promote courage and self-confidence
• make it easier for your partner to change than to stay the same.

When we see the positive results that even a little change can bring

• we feel hopeful.
• and so do our partners.

These responses exert an influence on your partner to change.

And Draws Both of You Together

You and your partner will want to

• spend more time together
• protect the relationship from harmful interactions
• create times of joy

And this will be possible because you both

• won't be focused on self-protection
• won't be full of hurt, resentment, and/or anger

You will both slip up sometimes, but

• you will know what to do
• you will quickly get back on track

So that you can enjoy your relationship the way it's supposed to be

Summary:

1. You are now being influenced by your partner to react in a way that maintains the relationship just the way it is. You can recognize this as a repeating pattern or cycle.
2. You break out of this pattern by changing the way you respond to your partner. An effective response is neither attacking nor avoiding. it is planned, in advance, according to your partner's behavior. (Each type of behavioral or emotional problem requires a different kind of response).
3. This will also break the pattern for your partner. Your partner will be uncomfortable and will not be able to continue the usual pattern. Unless you go back to your old response, your partner will not be able to go back either. Your partner will adjust to the new pattern as will you (known psychologically as the process of accommodation).
4. By repeatedly making small and effective changes, your relationship will become closer, with less conflict. Working with a coach ensures that you take small, effective steps, without risking your relationship.

Get started with the only kind of professional trained to take you through this process.