Our Natural Response . . .

We tend to want to:

• run away from or fight our angry partners (or both),
• protect or reason with our fearful partners,
• comfort our sad and withdrawn partners, or
• convince our dissatisfied partners. 

These are reactions that have been influenced by our partner's behavior. Our partners didn't try to make us have these behaviors. They just happen as a result of what our partner does. At this point, our partner's behavior has control. The reactions don't correct the problems, so we either react by:

• blaming our partners for the problems, or
• blaming ourselves for choosing such a partner,
• or both.

This continues until we realize how useless these things are. Then we react by:

• just feeling hopeless.or
• plan to break up or divorce

None of these reactions to our partners are helpful.

For an Effective Response . . .

We need to

• not run from or fight our angry partners,
• not protect or reason with our fearful partners,
• not comfort our sad and withdrawn partners, and
• not convince our dissatisfied partners.

This will be unexpected and make your partner's behavior ineffective, without doing further harm to the relationship.

Then you can positively influence your partner by:

• responding to the underlying emotions that are driving the behavior,
• giving choices that promote courage and self-confidence
• making it easier for your partner to change than to stay the same,
• attracting your partner and building respect..

When we see the positive results that even a little change can bring

• we feel hopeful,
• we feel effective,and
• so do our partners.

These responses exert an influence on your partner to change...

And Draw Both of You Together

You and your partner will want to

• spend more time together,
• protect the relationship from harm, and
• share freely with each other.

And this will be possible because you both

• will value the relationship, and
• will value each other.

You will both slip up sometimes, but

• you will know what to do
• you will quickly get back on track

So that you can enjoy your relationship

the way it's supposed to be

Summary:

1. You are now being influenced by your partner to react in a way that maintains the relationship in a bad way. You can recognize the same patterns happening over and over again.
2. You break out of this pattern with effective responding rather than harmful reacting. An effective response is neither attacking nor avoiding. it is planned, in advance, according to your partner's behavior. (Each type of behavioral or emotional problem requires a different kind of response).
3. This will end the negative pattern. Your partner's behavior will not push your emotional buttons. Unless you go back to your old reactions, your partner will not be able to go back either. Your partner will adjust to the new pattern as will you (known psychologically as the process of accommodation).
4. By repeatedly making small and effective changes, your relationship will become closer, with less conflict. Working with a relationship coach will teach you the effective actions you need to take for your particular situation.

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