Getting a Wife to Come Back
"My wife separated from me and I don't know how to get her to come back."
You can get her to come back
No matter how much you disagree with her decision, you have to understand it if you are going to get her back
Your wife made both a rational and emotional decision. You are not going to be able to get her back just by reasoning with her or by trying to convince her to come back. First, she lost her feelings for you, then, she used her reasoning to decide how to deal with that. Getting her to come back has to work with the same process--emotions first, then a reasoned decision to come back to you..
What you say to your wife after she moves out can mean the difference between having another chance or having no chance at all. Depending on how burned out on the relationship she is, she will want to hear either one of two things: 1) care and consideration for her needs which touches her emotions; or 2) a good reason not to come back (that justifies her decision and makes her feel better for having left you). If you focus on your need for her, or give her any message that she was wrong to leave you, it will just be evidence to her that she was right. Many men, when trying to convince their wife to come back, just convince her more and more that she was right to leave.
It's very important to deal with the emotional issues while not pressuring her to come back. Also, you will need to deal with the problems that her head is reminding her about (things that you have done). If you don't deal with the reasons that made her lose her love for you, she would soon leave again, even if you got her back. Getting a woman to come back a second time is much more difficult. She would have much less hope that things really are going to be better. The more she separates from you, the easier it will be for her to separate permanently. Many men have gotten their wives back (with a bit too much relief) only to lose them soon after because the relationship didn't improve.
Some women want to get confirmation that they did the right thing in leaving. They initiate contacts and will look for the same attitude, the same selfish concerns, and any evidence that you are not really changing. They will say things that you don't like to test your reactions. The way you respond at these times is critical, as your typical way of responding is likely to shut the door on your relationship more than ever. Your typical responses can convince her not to come back to you. It's only when you can respond with genuine caring (that does not mean sucking up to her or being overly nice) that you introduce any doubt in her mind about leaving for good.
Do you know what happens in the mind of a woman who has moved out? First, she may experience a great relief to be out of a stressful situation. Secondly, she will compare her imagined future with you to an imagined future that she could have with someone else who is different from you. She will also consider a future without any commitment to a man--a future where she is free to relax and be herself. Which choice do you think will most appeal to her (you, someone else, or no one else)? Which one will have the least appeal? You must understand this thinking well if you are to be successful in getting her back. Perhaps the best way to do that is to ask yourself, "If I were in her shoes, what would be the best decision for me?" These are the realities you must face if you are to do the things which can save your relationship. Wishful or righteous ("I am right and she is wrong") thinking won't get you there.
Relationship coaching can help you to get your wife to make an emotional and well reasoned decision to return to you.
To get her back, you need to make real changes in what you do and what you say to win her heart again.
There is no way to get your wife back, and keep her, unless you make the relationship better. And to do that, you will need to emotionally reconnect with her. You will need help in listening to her real messages and in knowing what to say and do that is genuine and builds the relationship. You will need help showing her that you are the best man for her (not by being a friend, not by continuously apologizing, and not by being needy). If you can't do those things, then she has no reason to go back to you other than a sense of duty, which she already gave up on.
Relationship coaching can even help you win back a badly burned or burned out wife. Remember, she is comparing her future with you to a future without you. And sooner or later, she will compare a possible future with you against a possible future with someone better. Although women may not want a relationship when they first leave, eventually they will. Women are relational and want to give and share love. Despite their past difficulties, they will try again--with someone else. At that time, your door of opportunity will close and I will not be able to help you.
When you work with me in relationship coaching, we will work on creating the changes in you that help her to both respect you more and find you an attractive possibility for her future. We won't do that with massive apologies, convincing arguments, or promises. Those things don't work. No one believes promises from someone they don't respect. How quickly you get her back has more to do with what you say and do than anything she says or does. Until you can put yourself in her shoes and honestly see yourself as the best choice for her, she won't see you as her best choice either. Remember, she won't come back to you because you need her. She will only come back to you if she wants to, for her. Through relationship coaching, you can work on yourself and communicate to her in an emotionally effective way. This is the way to attract your wife (emotionally) back to you.
How late is too late?
There are two indicators that it is too late: 1) When she will have no more contact with you, and 2) when she is in a committed relationship with someone else,
As long as you have contact, you have some hope. The less contact there is, the more important it is to make sure those communications go well. It makes no difference whether she is currently dating someone, as long as you still have contact with her. But, you should not date anyone if you want to get your wife back. If you are concerned about fairness, or being right, you may as well forget it.
If she has already committed to someone else, I can't help you. That will eventually happen, because no one wants to be alone the rest of their life. Work with me, to get that commitment for yourself, before it is too late.