Doubt your partner's love? Maybe he or she doesn't respect you.

How to get your partner's respect.

Stop and think for a moment whether YOU can love someone you don't respect. It would be hard, wouldn't it? You would almost need to force yourself to be nice or caring. It's just very hard to attach to someone we don't respect. Something about them turns us off. is it possible that your partner's love for you has been turned off because you have unintentionally lost your partner's respect? One of the main reasons the 3 steps to saving your relationship are so successful is because they build your partner's respect.

"How can I earn my partner's respect?" We earn our partner's respect when we:

1. Talk and behave in ways that are consistent with what we believe.
2. We do what is best for the relationship even when it is something that is difficult for us.
3. We do what is best for the relationship even when it is something that is difficult for our partner.

Number three comes as a surprise to many people and is the place where most partners accidentally lose respect. When we try to please or avoid upsetting our partner--even though it's bad for our relationship--we lose more of our partner's respect.

Here are a few examples of seemingly loving, but respect-losing behaviors:

1. Letting your teenage daughter stay out all night because that is what she wants to do.
2. Saying that honesty is important to you, but then hiding information that your partner may not like.
3. Repeatedly allowing your partner to hurt you with what he says or does.
4. Not being assertive in expressing your needs and desires.

Whether we do the damage or give our consent to our partner's damaging behavior, we lose respect. At the time it may seem like the easiest thing to do. Sometimes it may even seem loving. But if it's damaging your relationship, it needs to stop. This is why step two for saving your relationship is Detoxify Your Relationship. If your relationship is to be healthy, the sources of poison must be cut off.

Fighting fire with fire just makes a bigger fire. It's very important to realize that you won't earn respect if you attempt to stop your partner's destructive behavior with destructive behavior of your own. Complaining, blaming, and nagging, for example are intended to stop our partner's bad behavior, but just make the relationship worse. They will wear away at any respect your partner has for you. Not because your partner doesn't like it, but because it's not effective. When you effectively respond to your partner's behavior, you will earn respect, even if he or she doesn't like it. Your actions and words will say clearly that you value the relationship and will not be a part of destructive patterns.

There is another way to earn your partner's respect. That is to have a life of your own. If your partner gets the message that you could not possibly carry on without him or her and that your entire life just revolves around your partner, you will lose respect. This is most commonly seen in teenagers and needy adults. Your partner should feel lucky to have a capable, social, and valuable person. Basically, if there is nothing that attracts other people to you, you will also lose the attraction of your partner. You will also be very insecure about losing your partner. That insecurity actually makes it more likely that you will allow damaging patterns to continue. These patterns destroy any feelings of love you and your partner have for each other.

If you were first meeting someone and he or she said, " I will build my life around you and depend on you only for my happiness. I will do everything you want and let you get away with anything," what would you think about him or her? If your partner is getting this message from you (by your actions), how do you think it affects his or her thoughts and feelings about you?

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