How to Get More Respect and Love from Your Partner
If you don't feel loved, you may not be earning your partner's respect
Just being "nice" won't get you respect or love
The people we love and respect the most typically are not the nicest people we know. For sure they aren't mean or arrogant, but they do have a mind of their own. People we really respect can't be pushed around, but they do care about others. Are your behaviors sending this message to your partner? That you can't be pushed around, and that you value the relationship enough to do what is important--even if your partner doesn't like it? These are the things you need to do to get the love, respect, and devotion of your partner.
"How can I earn my partner's respect?"
We earn our partner's respect when we:
- Talk and behave in ways that are consistent with what we believe.
- If you say that you value honesty, then be sure that you are honest.
- If you say that you value sharing, then be good at both listening well and responding in a sensitive way. Also, share appropriately about yourself.
- When we do something for the relationship, even though we don't like it.
- We give our time and attention to our partners, even when we would rather do something else.
- We take responsibility for making things better rather than looking for ways to blame our partner.
- We treat our partners as though they are valuable to us, and don't take them for granted.
- When we do something for the relationship even when our partner doesn't like it.
- We have a zero tolerance policy for emotional abuse.
- We don't help our partners, by actions or avoidance, to continue to do things which harm the relationship (i.e. we are not codependent).
- We have our own friends and are not needy, even if our partner wants us to be.
Resources to Help You Earn Respect
Mini Quiz: Which of these behaviors would earn you respect (check the boxes)?
Repeatedly allowing your partner to hurt you with what he or she says or does
Waiting for your partner to improve the relationship while you are "patient"
Not being assertive in expressing your needs and desires
Being assertive about what you want and how you feel
Being the first one in your relationship to use good communication skills to end conflict
Using boundaries that stop any mistreatment and relationship damage by your partner
The first three choices will lose you respect and make your relationship become more and more distant over time, eventually resulting in total loss of love. The last three choices will result in some temporary resistance, then an increasingly close relationship. They develop respect from your partner as well as self-respect. All you have to do is ask yourself how you feel about the way you are handling your relationship problems now, to know whether you have self-respect.
The only response to problems in your relationship that will earn you respect is one that says, "I love you so much that I won't let this continue."
Fighting fire with fire just makes a bigger fire.
It's very important to realize that we won't earn respect if we attempt to stop our partner's destructive behavior with destructive behavior of our own. Complaining, blaming, nagging, questioning, being patient, and isolating, for example, are intended to stop our partner's bad behavior, but just make the relationship worse. Because they are not effective in creating change, we lose respect whenever we do them. When we are effective, respect from others is inevitable.
Steps to take to get more respect and love
There are several steps to raising yourself to an equal status in your partner's eyes, and moving closer.
The place to start is to identify the patterns which are most damaging to your relationship. This is the priority area to focus on.
After that, use a positive, but effective way to stop the pattern and build respect.
As respect increases, communicate openly with each other about how to continue to improve your relationship.
People who are not having success making changes through talking with their partner usually have not earned their partner's respect. Without respect, your words will be disregarded and you will become more and more distant from your partner. Earn respect first, then talking will be effective and pleasant.
Resources to help you earn respect:
- "What to Do When He Won't Change," (Self-help book for women with very difficult partners)
- Difficult Partner Coaching Package (One on one help for difficult situations)
- Motivate Yourself to Become Less Needy (A great way to get more respect)
- Join an Overcoming Neediness Group (Women Only)