Changing the way you respond to your partner can get your partner to behave in a more loving way
When our partners continue to do harmful things, it's a sign that the way we are reacting is not motivating for our partner
Our Natural Response . . .
We tend to want to:
- get away from or argue with our angry partner (or both),
- reassure or hide information from our fearful and insecure partner,
- criticize and blame our withdrawn and avoidant partner, or
- convince our dissatisfied partner that he or she is wrong.
These are natural and understandable reactions that have been influenced by our partner's behavior. Our partners didn't try to make us have these behaviors. They just happen as a result of what our partner does. When we use such reflexive actions to respond to our partner, they contribute to the pain that both we and our partners have, without improving the relationship..
Reactions make our partners less attracted to us, and make them lose interest in the relationship--even when they were the ones who created the problem!
We Feel Hurt, and We Do Things that Distance Us from Our Partners
Typical Ineffective reactions that create distance
- blaming
- arguing
- refusing to communicate
- picking fights over unimportant things
People continue to have these reactions until the distance reaches a peak in their relationship.
When the Difficulties Get Too High
Then people cope with their feelings of hopelessness and frustration by:
- emotionally shutting down,
- ending the relationship, or
- by learning to do something more effective.
Relationship coaching helps by changing the way you respond to your partner, creating win-win solutions that bring you and your partner closer together
Effective Responding can Improve Relationships
We start to be effective when we
- do not run from or argue with our angry partners,
- do not reassure or hide information from our fearful partners,
- do not criticize or blame our withdrawn partners, and
- do not try to convince our dissatisfied partners that they are wrong.
These responses (decisions that happen by choice and not as a reflex) are unexpected, opposite from natural reactions, and don't harm the relationship. Although they are not enough to fix the problem, they are the first step to having a closer relationship.
After effectively responding, we are in the position to make positive changes
We can learn skills that positively influence our partner by:
- defusing and derailing anger so we can talk instead of fight,
- changing the way we talk so communication becomes enjoyable,
- using good boundaries to stop harmful behaviors,
- helping our partners to realize our value for them.
When we see the positive results that even a little change can bring
- we feel hopeful,
- we feel effective,
- we build attraction, and
- we feel more loved by our partner..
Natural reactions make your partner want to get away from you; effective responding makes your partner want to be with you
Summary:
- You are now being influenced to naturally react in a way that creates distance in your relationship without solving the problem. It's understandable, but it's not helpful. You know this is true when you can recognize the same patterns happening over and over again.
- You can break out of this pattern with effective responding. An effective response does not cause damage. it is planned, in advance, according to your partner's particular behavior.
- When you do this, your partner's bad behavior will stop. Your partner's behavior will no longer push your emotional buttons or cause you to do things you regret. Your partner will value you more and enjoy being closer to you.
- Your relationship will continue to become closer as a result of your making small and effective changes. You can use the same process to improve all your relationships and to feel confident about the way you interact with others.
Resources:
- "When He Won't Change,"--a book that helps women to make the kind of effective changes that rebuilds loving connections with difficult men.
- Relationship Coaching--Consultations and special one month packages to restore your relationship in the shortest possible time..
In as few as four coaching sessions, you can learn how to respond effectively to your partner's behavior and bring back the love to your relationship