Boundaries in marriage and relationships: the first stop on the road to respect, communication, and intimacy
Boundaries and respect go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.
Sometimes our relationships can make us just plain mad. I mean it really isn't fair that we have so much love in our heart that we want to share with our partner, but we get treated like we are a kid, or even worse, like we are the enemy. We say things intending to help and in return we get blamed or attacked. What happened to the partner who loved us as we are and was ready to work with us on anything? Why has it gone from "Honey, whatever happens, I know we can work it out together," to "If you weren't so darn such and such, our relationship would be much better"?
Boundaries have three important purposes in a relationship
- They stop the damaging behavior
- They protect the relationship
- They build respect
People tend to fail to set good boundaries when either they don't adhere to the first purpose of boundaries, or they don't adhere to the second. That is, some people stop the damage at all costs, even if it destroys their relationship. "You won't lie to me anymore, because I'm not talking to you anymore," would stop the lying, but at the cost of the relationship. "I'm going to watch every move that you make because I can't trust you," would also stop the damaging behavior, but do even worse damage in return. On the other hand, being patient, overlooking problems, saying that things are ok when they are not, and just bottling feelings up inside may all feel like they are protecting the relationship, but they don't stop the damaging behavior, and ultimately, they don't protect the relationship either.
These four behaviors are "false boundaries" because of their destructive effects:
- running away from or fighting our angry partners,
- protecting, rushing to the rescue, or reasoning with our fearful partners,
- comforting and sacrificing for our sad and withdrawn partners, or
- convincing, over and over again, our dissatisfied partners.
These behaviors are natural and understandable reactions to our partners problem behaviors, thinking, and attitudes. Although understandable and designed to limit the damage, they do nothing to solve the problems. They actually perpetuate them, like giving in or fighting with a whining child.
Boundaries are not something we "set" on others, they are decisions about our own behavior
We have no control over other people's behavior. Attempting to control other people's behaviors is not boundaries--it is madness. (See my article on Jealousy for an example of this). Because as soon as they do whatever it was that you were trying to stop, it will upset you and show you that really you don't have control over your partner. In fact, it will seem like your partner has control over your emotions. If I tell you you can't be rude to me, it is not a boundary. In fact, it is not even true. You could send me all kinds of rude and nasty e-mail (please don't!). But, if I said that whenever you send me a rude e-mail, I am not going to respond to it, then I am setting a boundary--on myself. I don't stop you from being rude, but I make it less in your interest to do so.
Now, what if I said that I was not going to respond to your rude e-mail, but I actually did? What would happen? It would show you that you can certainly send me rude e-mail and that I will certainly respond to you. In fact, it may show you that that is a good way to get a response from me. Children who tantrum, tantrum for a reason. The same is true of partners. Boundaries are your decisions to stop playing the game that gets your partner whatever he or she wants in a bad way. But, respect only grows when you follow through, consistently, with those decisions.
Boundaries pave the way for love.
Boundaries don't instantly bring love. In fact, they may instantly bring quite a negative reaction from your partner. But, that's ok, because good boundaries build respect without damaging the relationship. And respect is necessary for the open and honest communication that builds intimacy and love. Whenever I talk with a client, whether for a consultation or for a coaching package, I tune my coaching radar to detect where they are in their relationship--do they have mutual love, good communication, mutual respect, or good boundaries? Each one is a step further backwards from the love they want to have. Then, I know from which point we need to work forward to get to the mutual, deep love they want to have.
Where are you in your relationship?
Boundaries, respect, communication, loving, sharing, and helping? If you are not at loving, sharing and helping, that is alright! The most important thing is that is your goal and that you are moving toward it. If you are stuck at any point, then it is the time to get help. It would be my pleasure, and my honor, to help you move along the path to love and intimacy in your relationship.