10 Ways Love is Accidentally Lost in Relationships
Love doesn't stop just because time passes. Finding where the damage is occurring can plug the love leak.
I want to tell you about 10 key reasons that our love disappears. It is a chicken and egg question whether a lack of love makes us stop doing these things, or whether not doing these things causes us to love less. But, the good news is that it is never too late to start doing these things again.
1. Not telling our partner how much we care.
There are reasons that we stop caring so much about our partner. We may not want to admit it to ourselves and may insist to our partner that we still care just as much, but on a deeper level, we know it isn't true. When we stop feeling cared for, we often stop caring back. Because we are too vulnerable to tell our partner lovingly about our needs, they come out at criticisms or attacks. And, so our partners do care less and less; and so do we.
2. Not telling our partner "I love you."
What makes it so hard to say these three little words? Well, they're not little words at all. They are words that make us feel vulnerable. They touch close to our fear that maybe our partner doesn't love us anymore. And, we don't feel that we can say them sincerely. Can our partners tell when they look in our eyes if our love is true? Sometimes they can. We want to say it, but we can't. It can really feel like something is wrong with us. Why can't I say it? Why can't my partner?
3. Openly questioning whether or not we love our partner any more.
It's one thing to think such things, but once they are said, they set a pattern in motion. "I'm just not sure I love you anymore." What can our partner say to that? But, if we don't say it, are we pretending? Are we letting a lie go on that needs to come out? These are some of the most difficult questions in a relationship. It can make us feel more alone than ever.
4. Not doing the little things, that show our kindness and thoughtfulness,
We used to do them, didn't we? Our partners did them too. They made us smile. They made us feel important. They made our partners feel important. Once we stop doing the little things, our partners don't have to hear the words, "I'm not sure if I love you anymore," they can feel something missing. Something that would be there if they were really important. Something they can't ask us for, because asking would make it not really count. Looking at the little love note that our partner gave us years ago can make us feel happy, and then sad.
5. No longer affectionately touching or kissing.
There was a time when all we wanted to do was to touch or kiss our partner. Holding hands was a special thing, and we didn't need extra space on the bed when we slept at night. When did touching become routine? An expected action instead of a desired one? Was there a day when that just suddenly changed? Am I afraid that my touch doesn't really mean anything anymore? Is there really love in my partner's touch? Has touching become an obligation?
6. Having sex less and less.
Joining in mind and body. What can feel emotionally and physically more wonderful? But, if that's true, then why do we do it less and less? Could it be that we aren't really emotionally connecting anymore? Is the sex becoming more of a physical thing, to be done, to check off our list, to get off our schedule? Wasn't there a time when we couldn't wait to make love to each other?
7. No longer dating our partner or doing activities together.
It's such a big world and time goes by so quickly. Why aren't we enjoying our lives together? Why do we always go to the same restaurant and eat, mostly without talking? Wasn't there a time when it was the being together that was the special thing? Why is it that when I think about having a good time, that it's hard to imagine having it with my partner?
8. Less and less talking about intimate subjects.
What makes it so hard to talk to each other? We used to do that for hours. We'd lay side by side on the bed and just talk, late into the night. When is the last time we did that? Why don't we do that anymore? Do we really not have anything to say? We don't talk that way in the daytime either. Sometimes we struggle just to have some current event to talk about at mealtime. Why do we talk to our partner like we are almost strangers?
9. Not planning for future things that you can both look forward to.
Did we give up on our dreams? Did we stop believing in our ability to make our relationship work? Are we just waiting for a time when it will end? Has my life become one of just going through the motions? Sometimes, we might even think about what our future could be like without our partner, and it makes us feel guilty. What if our partner knew? It becomes another part of ourselves that we hide away. And, probably our partner is thinking the same thing. Why can't we talk about it?
10. Avoiding each other.
Am I so busy that I have no time to do things with my partner? Is my partner? Or do we stay busy because it's easier than saying, "I really don't want to be with you"? But doesn't our partner know that anyway? Can't we feel it when our partner really doesn't want to be with us? Are we trying to fool ourselves?
Yes, this is my situation. What now?
There is a common thread in all of these. It is our ability to be vulnerable with our partner. To put more emphasis on loving rather than protecting ourselves. In the past, the power of our love overcame our fear to do all of these things. And, because we felt accepted, we committed to each other. But, now that love seems to have become weaker. Now it's harder to face the possible rejection and so we pull away more. Now we don't feel accepted for who we really are and what we really want. So, we have become disconnected.
To find our way back to a loving relationship, we need to increase our sense of being able to take care of ourselves. When we can do that, we become less fearful of communicating and reaching out. If we know how to handle our partner's dissatisfaction, which may present as anger or avoidance, then we can help our partners to reconnect with us. Our partners want to be loved as much as we do.
If you want to restart the love in your relationship, you can get the relationship coaching advantage:
- Rapidly reconnect verbally and physically with your partner
- Rapidly find a win-win solution to your relationship problems
- Rapidly begin work on a positive future together
- Begin to show and receive more love within two weeks
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