Understanding, Loving, and Improving a Relationship with an Angry Man
There are four motivators that drive anger. Discovering which one motivates your partner can guide you to a better relationship with him.
Why, in particular, is your husband or partner so angry?
It’s helpful to look at the specific reasons why your husband or partner is angry. The reason to do this, of course, is not to blame him or yourself, because blame won’t do you any more good than it does your husband. He looks for blame. Make sure you don’t fall into the same way of thinking. It would only make you more like him and that is not the way to go.
When I say look at the reasons for your husband’s anger, I mean make sense of it from his point of view. Everything that we do has some purpose or intention, even though the intentions may be misguided or not the right ones to help us accomplish what we are trying to achieve.
In the case of getting angry, we can connect it to four specific desires.
These desires are either: 1) To get something done, 2) to get something right, 3) to get along, or 4) to get attention. These are the basic four motivations found by psychological researchers Brinkman and Kirschner (2003). Although we all have these four motivations to some extent, at times of stress we care about one of them much more than the others. Which one depends on our personality. When your husband is angry, he is very stressed. And at that time, he is concerned with one of these desires more than the others.
It will help to know which desire your husband is typically concerned about when he is angry.
For example, let’s suppose that your husband is trying to fix the car. But, instead of fixing it, he is getting increasingly upset. We can guess that in this situation, he is probably motivated both to “get it right” (get the car to work right) and “get it done” (so he can move on to something else). Unless you have some way to help him get it right and get it done, you had best stay out of his way. Interrupting him at this time may be a nuisance to him—an interruption of his goals to get it right and get it done. If he sees you as an obstacle to getting it done, then he will target his anger at you.
Match your communication to his motive
If he does get angry at you, then you can direct a question directly at his motives. For example, if you ask, “How can I help you to get this done?” or “What do you need to get it working?” he is likely to tell you. Other questions which emphasize the difficulty he is having, such as “What’s wrong with it?” or “Why can’t you get it working?” are something like pouring gas on a fire because it intensifies the frustration he feels. You may be trying to help him to be more relaxed, or to be emotionally supportive, but he will probably think of the talking as just taking time away from what he’s trying to do. So, leave him alone to do it. Bringing him a drink (coffee, juice) without staying to talk would be a nicely supportive action.
Another motivator for your husband’s anger may be his desire “to get along.”
If he is trying to get along with you, the kids, or someone else, but it doesn’t go so well, he may become very angry. Especially if he talks about how things are “not fair” because he does so much for others and he just gets grief in return. People with poor social skills often have this kind of anger. Because they are ineffective at getting others to respond to them in a positive way, despite their best efforts, they find something wrong with the other person. It really is a kind of self protection. Either other people are messed up or they are. The angry person defensively and automatically believes it is others.
You know that if only he could treat other people better, they would treat him better.
And then he would be happier, because he wants to get along. Other people may have caught on to this, so are nice to his face, while they dislike him behind his back. The benefit is that they get along better with him, but they don’t have a better relationship with him. It's an approach that won't work for you. Just treating him better, kinder, nicer, or being more patient, will result in his being less angry. But, his social skills will not have changed and he will be no more sensitive to your needs than before. It won’t be long before you think again, “Why do I bother?
Placate your mother-in-law, not your husband.
To make a permanent improvement in your relationship, you will need to do something different than just trying to get along with him. You will need to do something that demonstrates to him that his anger hurts him. That it hurts you is not going to make that much difference to him because he doesn't feel responsible for your “foolish” actions.
One final motivation for anger is the desire to “get attention.”
Some people only get attention by being angry. Others get angry because they don’t get attention for other things. Whether it comes from their family background or genetics, the result is the same—some people need more attention than others. We all have a need for attention, but some men, when under stress, need more attention than others. Their anger will both be at the injustice of not receiving attention, and a way to force attention (even if it is negative attention).
Any attention at all is better than no attention for people who need it.
A very hungry person will eat from a dumpster; a person who strongly needs attention will take it from anyone. And, if no one will give it, it will be created. If you can recognize this need in your husband, you can see it as his desire to connect with, and get approval from you. These are very appropriate qualities in a husband—when he goes about getting them in a good way.
He's not trying to damage the relationship--he's trying to fix you
Unfortunately, he is mainly getting your attention in an angry way or is attempting to teach you to give him more attention (angry people are angry because of the imagined failings of others; therefore angry partners try to teach you or fix you). At an unconscious level, the thought is something like this—“If I do things worthy of attention, and you don’t pay attention to me, then something must be wrong with you.”
Just because he's angry doesn't mean it's your fault
A wife is never to blame for her husband’s behavior or how he acts on his feelings. His anger may in fact be driving you away and taking away your desire to pay attention to him. You may also feel that any attention you give him just rewards him for his angry behavior. And that would be partly true. If you only gave him attention when he is angry, then you would be reinforcing his angry behavior. Do give him attention for positive things, even if small and ordinary. Do make sure you deal with him effectively when he is angry. Then his attention seeking methods will shift in a positive direction.
Whether his anger is mostly to get something done, to get something right, to get along, or to get attention, you are not going to be able to change these motivations.
Nor should you want to. They are actually very good motivations. With a three level approach, you can use his motivations and yours to create positive win-win communications and solutions that satisfy you both. Angry men don't really want to be angry. No one enjoys being angry. Working with the forces that drive him will create solutions that draw both of you closer together.
This article is from my new 246 page book, "What to do When He Won't Change," which contains step by step interventions to effectively improve relationships with men who are very angry, selfish, unhappy, or who avoid spending time with their female partners.